Wednesday, October 13, 2004


Cure yourself with baseball!

Seems like the people of Washington aren't under the spell they way MLB wants them to be. They actually want to see their area raised to a respectable level before worrying about things like a baseball park. I've managed to get a hold of a draft of the Mayor's memo in response:

People of the Anacostia region of Washington. I have heard you wish to have a hospital built in your neighborhood rather than a baseball stadium so your wounded and sick will no longer die en route to help. While I agree with you that dying is a very serious problem, I believe you are ignoring important facts.

First, the baseball stadium will have the very finest First Aid stations in all of the Major Leagues. Not only will there be a trained nurse at the main station (located near the "District of Collectibles" shopping area) to dispense band aids and treat mild cases of dehydration, but there will be free tubes of sun tan lotion available. Not little cups from a large dispenser, free tubes!

Second, our research shows that having a baseball stadium in your area will increase the local economy to such a degree that you will all be able to afford tanks and body armor. Based on our report, most of you will be able to purchase ones made with solid gold, though I cannot promise gold for everyone. (However our report is conservative) This level of protection will severly decrease your chances of taking a bullet to the chest. Wouldn't you rather not take a bullet at all, then be properly taken care of in the event it happens? We're treating the symptoms here, people.

Third, everyone knows baseball has magical healing properties. Remember when Babe Ruth healed that kid by hitting a home run for him? That kid grew up to be JFK if I'm not mistaken. Possibly John Lennon. Regardless, that is more exciting than immediate defibulation, don't you think?

In closing; Nah nah nah, I'm not listening to you.

Mayor Anthony Williams

There might be some grammatical changes before it gets to the press.

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